Exultant Montana Christmas: Bear Grass Springs, Book Nine Page 7

  Jessamine gave a small sound of delight at the thought of eating some of Leena’s Norwegian gingerbread, which she only baked at Christmastime. “That would be heavenly,” she said with a sigh. “I don’t see her often enough anymore.”

  Annabelle smiled. “She’s busy with her daughter and happy with Karl. Although she loves her work at the bakery, I think she’s discovering she enjoys her time at home just as much. It’s amazing what a contented homelife can do to help change perspectives.”

  Jessamine frowned. “You’re not giving up the bakery, are you?”

  She shrugged. “No, although I’m beginning to think a third baker wouldn’t be a bad idea.” She smiled in a shrewd way. “I imagine you dream of having help with your newspaper.”

  “Ugh, don’t mention it right now. I should be there getting ready to print a paper for tomorrow, and I can’t imagine the energy it would take.” She held her head in her palm. “Besides, would I write about myself in the True and Tantalizing section? Or would folks prefer if I put us in the News and Noteworthy part?”

  Annabelle looked at her with disapproval over her cup of tea. “You know there’s no need to put yourself in the paper. The townsfolk already have enough to gossip about with regard to you and Ewan.” She waited for Jessamine to agree and frowned. “Why would you consider writing about your situation?”

  Jessamine shook her head in frustration. “Have you ever wished that the townsfolk would talk about the truth, rather than speculation? That the speculation weren’t so hurtful?” She blinked rapidly to prevent more tears from falling. She bit back a swear word when she failed, and another tear tracked down her cheek. “Just yesterday I saw how their words affected Ewan. Affected us. And I hate it.”

  Annabelle gripped her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “What happened?”

  “One of the miners’ wives stood gossiping in a loud voice that carried to Ewan as he stood on our doorstep. She said that he would rue the day he ever married me now that he was stuck with the daughter of his wife’s lover.” She waited a moment as Annabelle’s brow furrowed as though working through the convoluted statement. “It’s ridiculous, but, because it’s ridiculous, it’s believed. What is the hardest to believe is the most credible to these people.”

  Annabelle paused a long moment. “But Ewan doesn’t give any credence to what she said.”

  “I like to think he doesn’t, but every time someone refers to Ezekial as my lover,” Jessamine’s voice broke over the last word, “Ewan becomes more distant. It’s as though I’m being tried in the court of public opinion, and I’ve been found guilty.”

  “Have you spoken with him about this?”

  Jessamine shrugged. “I’ve tried, but he focuses on Aileana. On the future we’ll have as parents.” Jessamine covered her face with her free hand, as her shoulders shook with a sob. “I thought all I ever wanted was a child. I was such a fool.”

  “Why?” Annabelle gripped Jessamine’s hand, her gaze filled with compassion.

  “Because now that I’ve lost Ewan’s esteem, his trust,” she gasped out, “I realize that’s what I want, more than anything.”

  Ewan eased open the door to his house, his head cocked to one side as he listened for Jessamine cooing to their babe. Silence welcomed him, and he frowned. He quietly shut the door, eased out of his outerwear, and kicked off his boots. Although Jessamine had reassured him that Aileana could sleep through any noise after the chaos she had heard at the Boudoir during the first few days of her life, Ewan wanted her to have a quiet, soothing home. After setting down a project he wanted to install once he was assured Aileana was awake, he tiptoed down the hallway to peek in on her while she slept.

  He entered her room and frowned to find her crib empty. Turning with concern, he burst into the room he shared with Jessamine to find her soundly asleep under the covers. “Jessie,” he implored as he shook her shoulder. “Jessie!”

  “Ewan?” she gasped as she struggled to awaken from a deep slumber. “What’s happened?”

  “Someone’s stolen our bairn!” he gasped out. When she collapsed into the bed and pulled the covers over her, he stared at her in astonishment. “Do ye no’ care?”

  “She’s fine, Ewan,” she murmured, her hand reaching out from under her mound of blankets to grasp his. “Fidelia saw how exhausted I was and brought her to her house for a while so I could sleep.”

  “She’s our bairn, Jessie,” Ewan protested. “She should be here with us.”

  She rolled onto her side to face him, her red hair shining brightly against the white pillowcase. “Ideally she would be. But I can’t feed her. Not the way she needs to be fed. Not the way Fidelia can feed her.” She closed her eyes as though she admitted a failure to her husband and had no wish to see his disappointment. “It’s easier for Dee if she doesn’t have to traipse here all the time to tend to our baby.”

  Ewan collapsed onto the side of the bed. “So that’s it? We let her go after only a few days here?”

  “She’s still our baby, Ewan. But she can’t live with us for a while. Can’t you see that?”

  He rubbed at his head. “How can ye no’ want her here?” He sat with shoulders stooped as though dejected. “Do ye ken how much joy it gives me to come home each day, knowin’ ye’ll be here with her? Knowin’ that, someday, she’ll turn her head an’ smile at me, call me Da?” He shook his head. “She willna do that if she’s at Fidelia’s. She’ll look to Bears. To Dee. No’ to us.”

  Jessamine pushed herself up, her eyes filled with inner turmoil and regret. “I can’t give her what she needs. And that formula Tobias found for me isn’t enough. She’ll never thrive the way she can if Fidelia continues to feed her.”

  “How long?” he rasped. “How long must we be separated from our bairn?”

  She shrugged and shook her head. “At least a few months.”

  “Months?” he said and then swore as he rose to pace the room. “I dinna have patience for that.” He stormed from the room, his mind filled with an idea he feared would be rejected out of hand.

  After bundling up again, he trudged outside, skirting snowbanks and patches of ice from building overhangs to cross the main street of town. He entered Warren’s office, sighing with relief to find his friend reading a law journal as the potbellied stove filled the room with warmth. “I need yer help.” He held up his hand before Warren agreed without listening to him. “I dinna ken if ye’ll agree, so listen to me.”

  Warren frowned and leaned back in his chair, his fingers clasped over his lean belly as Ewan began to speak. Finally he interrupted his friend. “Ewan, you’re not making much sense. Can I tell you what I’ve understood so far?” When Ewan nodded, Warren said, “Jessamine has decided it’s too much work to care for the baby and has given her to Fidelia.”

  “Nae!” Ewan said as he paced again with agitation. “It’s no’ that she doesna want to care for the bairn, it’s that she canno’.” He ran a hand through his blond hair, making it stand on end. “She canna feed her, an’ it’s too much for Fidelia to visit our house numerous times a day. Thus our bairn is to live with Dee an’ Bears. An’ forget about us.” He pinched the bridge of his nose as he hung his head.

  Warren sat here a long moment, his brows furrowed, as though attempting to determine the favor Ewan would ask of him. “Ah,” he said as he sat up. “I understand. Of course we will, although I might have to spend some time in my home office. I see no reason to move my books for only a few months.”

  Ewan stared at him in confusion and then with hope. “Ye will? Ye’ll swap homes with us until our bairn is old enough to come home?”

  Smiling, Warren nodded. “Of course. Although you’ll have to contend with townsfolk knocking on your door for a while as they look for Helen in the middle of the night.” He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to us where we call home, as long as we are together.”

  Ewan looked chagrined. “Ye ken I have a nice home, but ’tis no’ nearly as grand as yers.”

 
Warren waved away the concern. “Let me speak with Helen while you talk with Jessamine. We’ll be by in a few hours, and you can move to our place.”

  Ewan shook his hand. “Thank ye, Warren.”

  Warren smiled. “It’s what family does for each other, Ewan. And I’ll always be thankful that you consider me a part of your family.”

  Ewan rushed from Warren’s office to return home to Jessamine. When he arrived, he stoked the fire as he wanted to ensure the home was plenty warm for Warren and Helen. He hoped he would remember to reload the wood box before Warren arrived. “Jessie?” he called out as he entered their room. He stopped short, as he found her sobbing. “Jessie, my love, what’s happened?”

  She shook her head as her sobs continued. He crawled into the other side of the bed, pulling her into his arms. “Shh, love, no reason to cry like this. All is well.” He kissed her head and rocked her gently in his arms.

  “You … you raced out of here, and I thought you’d never come back. That you’d believed the gossip,” she stammered out.

  He smoothed a hand over her disheveled hair and shook his head in confusion. “What gossip?”

  “That you rued the day you married me and would soon have common sense to seek out a divorce.”

  Ewan growled in the back of his throat and rolled so he loomed over her. “Do ye believe my love so feeble?” He waited until she shook her head. “Do ye have so little faith in me?”

  “No,” she whispered. “It’s me. I failed you, and I don’t know why you’d ever forgive me.”

  Ewan stared at her long and hard. He swallowed and then whispered, “I ken I’ve asked ye, but I’m askin’ again, were ye unfaithful to me with another man?”

  “Never!” she gasped as she clung to his shoulders. “I swear to you, never.”

  “Did you ever wish you were?” he asked in a low voice.

  “No, my Ewan, my beloved, I’ve only ever wanted you since the moment we started sparring with each other when I first moved to town. No other man exists for me but you.”

  “Do ye wish ye lived a different life, away from this small town?” He paused and whispered, “Away from my family?”

  She shook her head as more tears leaked out. “Never. I love our life here, and I love your family. Our family.”

  “Did ye mean what ye said in our last argument?” His eyes shone with pent-up hurt.

  “Oh, Ewan, of course not. You know you are the finest carpenter I’ve ever met, and I take such pride in all you can do. I was hurt and wanted to hurt you.”

  “Ye did,” he rasped. “As I ken I hurt ye, as I never meant to. I’m sorry, lass. I’ve never thought ye anything but the most passionate woman I’ve ever met.” They stared for a long time into each other’s eyes, silently forgiving each other for their hurtful words.

  She waited for him to speak again, but he remained silent. “Oh, Ewan. I … I thought all I needed to have the life I’ve always dreamed about was to have a baby. A child.” She shivered. “I was wrong. All I needed was you. And I almost lost you.” She swallowed a sob. “I’m so sorry.”

  He tugged her close. “I was a madman when I thought ye’d played me false. An’ when ye did no’ deny it, I thought my heart would break.”

  “I’m so sorry, Ewan,” she whispered. “I … It was wrong of me. I was so afraid of telling you about Aileana and then having you disavow any chance of us raising her. And I feared Ezekial would take her away, and none of it would have mattered.”

  “Promise me that ye’ll no’ hide anythin’ from me ever again,” he said in a low voice. “The good, the bad, the embarrassin’. Please.”

  “I promise,” she said with a relieved smile. “I realized today that, although I had Aileana, whom I love and adore, that without your trust, without your love, none of it matters. I’m lost without you, Ewan.”

  He groaned, pulling her close. “Ah, lass, how I love ye,” he whispered. When she acted as though she would caress and kiss him, he eased from her hold. “No, lass. Warren an’ Helen will be here soon, an’ we must clean up the house for them.”

  She stared at Ewan in confusion. “I don’t understand. Why?”

  He smiled at her triumphantly. “Because we are switchin’ houses with them for a few months. We’ll be neighbors with Bears an’ Fidelia, an’ it will no’ be as hard for Dee to visit to help our bairn. Perhaps Aileana will spend the nights at Dee’s house to help Dee, but, during the day, Aileana can be with us.”

  “Oh, Ewan.” Jessamine sighed. “How I love you.”

  That evening Jessamine crawled into the guest bed in Warren and Helen’s home. She fingered the intricate, warm quilt that Sorcha had made for Helen, and Jessamine sighed with contentment at another sign of familial love. Fidelia had been delighted with the arrangement when Jessamine and Ewan had visited earlier, as Fidelia had been uncomfortable about separating Aileana from them for any length of time.

  Now Jessamine waited for Ewan in the comfortable guest bedroom, a lamp on the bureau casting a soft light over the room, with the curtains drawn against the night and the cold winter air. She burrowed under the covers, appreciative of the number of blankets, and fought sleep. She yearned for Ewan to hold her in his arms again. He’d rarely held her in his arms since their reconciliation. Most nights he’d spent in Aileana’s room, watching her as she slept.

  “Ewan?” she called out. She heard the sound of scraping and then his heavy footsteps as he approached their room. “Come to bed,” she said, as she reached out a hand to him.

  “Nae, love,” he said in a soft voice as he kissed her palm, then backed from the room. “Rest well.”

  “Ewan!” She launched from the bed, tangling herself in the mass of blankets and falling to the floor.

  “Jessie!” he cried out as she landed with a thud of pain at his feet. “Are ye hurt, lass?” When he touched her cheeks and found them wet, he pulled her into his arms. “Come, love. Dinna cry. Ye’ll be fine.”

  “But you won’t touch me!” she sobbed. “You won’t hold me in your arms.” She pushed herself away, turning her back on him as her red hair escaped its braid and flew around her head. “You say you love me, that you’ve forgive me, but you haven’t. Not if you can’t stand being near me.” She heaved herself up to sit on the edge of the bed, shivering in her flannel nightgown.

  He crouched in front of her, clasping her two hands in his, his thumbs rubbing over hers. “Do ye truly believe that nonsense?” His brown eyes were lit with an incandescent joy. “I canna touch ye, Jessie. I willna hurt ye.”

  She shook her head in confusion. “By not touching me, you are hurting me. I don’t understand.” She closed her eyes as he raised his hands to swipe at her cheeks with his fingers before rising up to kiss her cheeks.

  “You told me that Helen advised you to avoid any … marital contact with me.” He waited for Jessamine to nod and then waited as she held her fingers to his mouth.

  “That ended a few weeks ago. We can make love whenever we want, Ewan,” she whispered.

  He shook his head. “I canna, Jessie. I canna risk causin’ ye harm again. I ken ye said Helen believes ye will no’ have a bairn. What if she’s wrong? What if the next time …” His voice caught, and he stared at her with abject terror. “What if the next time is worse, an’ she canna save ye, like Beth?”

  “Oh, Ewan,” Jessamine whispered as she cupped his cheeks.

  “I canna lose ye, Jessie. The thought of losin’ ye to another man nearly destroyed me. I couldna survive if, … if …” He broke off again.

  “Shh, my love,” she murmured as she bent forward and kissed him softly, earning a shudder and a gentle groan.

  “I canna stand the thought of bein’ the cause of yer heartache an’ body ache an’ God kens what else were ye to lose another bairn.” He closed his eyes. “I ache for ye, aye. But I never again want ye to suffer what ye did this fall.” He rested his forehead against hers.

  She studied him for a long moment, her heart overflowing with
a surfeit of love for this man. “Oh, my darling.” She kissed his forehead and his cheeks. “I want more from our marriage than a kiss on my palm and a pillow to hug at night. I want you. And all that might entail.” She met his tormented gaze. “I will pray that Helen was wrong and that we will have another healthy child one day, but, in my heart, I know that prayer will remain fulfilled with Aileana. I will pray that I do not suffer another loss that makes me so ill.” She shuddered. “But I know I will never suffer as I did this fall because I will have you by my side, loving me through it.”

  She ran her hands through his hair, staring deeply into his eyes. “I will never again try to act as though I am independent and do not need your support. For I know I am lost without it. Without you.”

  When it still appeared he wavered, she blinked as though fighting tears. “I can’t promise I won’t become ill again, Ewan. However, I can promise I will always fight to return to you. To Aileana.” She raised one of his hands that gripped her hip, raising it to her lips to kiss. “Please don’t consign us to a half marriage. That’s not who we are. Be brave with me. Face whatever might come. With me.” She took a deep breath as he continued to gaze intently at her.

  The tension seemed to seep away as he whispered, “Aye, my fierce beauty. Ye deserve no less.” He kissed her neck and then her chin, before nibbling on her ear. “Ye promise ye spoke with Helen, an’ she said ye could welcome me back in yer bed, no’ just to cuddle with at night?”

  She flushed and nodded. “Yes. She assured me that I was healthy again.” She cupped his cheeks. “I’ve missed you, Ewan.”

  “Ah, lass, ye dinna ken how much I want ye. Nor how I feared never to hear ye say that to me again.” He raised up, kissing her deeply for many minutes. When he lifted his head, he urged her backward, into the bed and under the covers. After blowing out the lamp, he slipped from his clothes and crawled under the covers to join her. “Come here, wife, an’ warm me as I warm ye,” he murmured in a low, seductive voice. “Let me show ye how much I’ve missed ye an’ how much ye are adored.”