Tenacious Love (Banished Saga, Book Four): Banished Saga, Book Four Page 14

  Gabriel raised curious eyes to his wife. “But the pain didn’t go away?”

  “Of course not. I learned how to bury it.”

  He nodded. “And it would have been a burden more easily carried had we shared it.”

  “Yes.” Her whispered agreement acted as a pinion to Gabriel.

  “How can we recover from such a loss?” Gabriel asked. He scooted around until he was leaning against the counter and Clarissa was sitting between his legs, half facing him.

  “I don’t know. Talking with each other, sharing our grief, remembering Rory will help, I think,” Clarissa murmured as she burrowed into Gabriel’s embrace. “I’ve missed you so much, and the entire time you were right here.” Her voice cracked as she fought fresh tears.

  Gabriel’s arms wrapped more firmly around her. “Thank you for loving me, darling.” Gabriel kissed the top of her head.

  “I think we should speak with Aidan and Savannah. They’ve both survived the loss of a child.”

  “I agree. I want us to have a full life again, my darling. And to do that, we need to somehow control our grief.” He sighed again, this time with a hint of peace as Clarissa snuggled into his arms, his large palm caressing her head, shoulders and back. “Ah, my love,” Gabriel murmured, kissing her beside her ear.

  12

  Gabriel and Clarissa were in Aidan and Delia’s living room, the children at the park with Araminta. Jeremy and Savannah had settled on a settee across from Delia and Aidan, who sat on matching tufted wingback chairs while Colin stood, leaning against the wall to the dining room. Open windows allowed the gentle breeze to enter and cool the room, while a pitcher of untouched lemonade waited to be poured on a table in front of Delia.

  Savannah studied Gabriel and Clarissa intently. They sat with the fingers of one hand interlaced. Gabriel reached over with his free hand to caress Clarissa’s arm and their joined hands. Savannah smiled as she noted Jeremy relaxing after witnessing Gabriel’s actions. It was the first public sign of true tenderness between the couple in eight months.

  “Why did you want us to gather?” Colin asked. He frowned as he watched Clarissa and Gabriel.

  Gabriel took a deep breath. “I wanted to thank everyone for your support and understanding after Rory died. I—Clarissa and I’ve finally spoken about what happened that day. I think it’s helped.”

  “What did occur, Gabriel?” Aidan asked. “I understood your devastation at the loss of your beautiful boy but never your sense of self-hatred.”

  Gabriel closed his eyes, as though envisioning again what happened. “Rory and I went to the creek to spend time together alone while the house was prepared for his party.” He opened his eyes to address his family. “You know how he loved to play hide-and-seek and run ahead of me to see if I could catch him. I wanted him to feel like a big boy as he turned seven and let him run farther ahead of me than I should have. He made that little shrieking sound. The one he always made.”

  Jeremy grunted his acknowledgment, and Colin shifted, his gaze distant, obviously thinking of his beloved deceased nephew.

  “I thought it was because he was excited from our game.” Gabriel shuddered.

  Clarissa gripped his arm and then caressed it. “It’s all right, darling. You did nothing wrong,” she murmured.

  Gabriel met his uncle’s unwavering gaze. “It wasn’t a chirp of joy. He’d fallen, near the creek. He hit his head, and, because I took too long to get to him, he drowned.”

  “Goddammit.” Colin turned away and marched through the dining room and out the side door.

  “Ignore him, Gabe,” Jeremy commanded.

  “You blame yourself.” Aidan spoke with certainty, bringing Gabriel’s attention back to those still in the room. “You think your inaction caused your son’s death.”

  Gabriel nodded. “Yes, well, partly. I believed that until I spoke to Clarissa.”

  “You will always miss Rory,” Savannah said. “You will always mark the time by how long it’s been since you’ve held him or how old he would have been now.” Savannah blinked her eyes to clear tears that had formed, as though she were thinking of her long-deceased daughter, Adelaide Hope.

  “What I need …” Gabriel paused, clearing his throat. “What I need is your support. You’ve lost children, and I—we—need your help as we come to terms with our loss.”

  Clarissa took a deep breath before speaking. “I’ve lived with a shroud of grief around me, and I realize I can’t live this way. It’s not the life I desire—not for my children, not for Gabriel, not for myself.” She rubbed at her cheek as her tears fell. “I know I will always mourn Rory. There will be moments when I think the pain is insurmountable. But I must believe I can find joy in the future.”

  “Never lose your ability to hope, Rissa,” Delia said. She rose from her chair and came to kneel by Clarissa’s side. She stroked a gentle hand over Clarissa’s head and then down her arm. “Never fear that we will not understand that grief comes in waves. That, no matter how long Rory’s been … dead, you’ll still have days where the pain is almost as fresh as when you first heard the news. We’ll be here for you.”

  Clarissa sniffled, glancing around the room to see Aidan, Savannah and Jeremy nodding.

  Delia rose and moved to Gabriel’s side. “As for you, Gabriel, I can only imagine what you suffered, discovering your son as you did, envisioning some way you could have saved him.” She brushed the hair off his forehead, and he met her gaze with tears brimming in his eyes. “I wish you’d shared this burden sooner so that we could have prevented months of torment.”

  “Thank you, Delia,” Gabriel said. “Thank you all.” He nodded to everyone in the room before emitting a tired sigh. “When we return home tonight, I’ll discover if the children will be as understanding.”

  “All they want is your love, Gabriel. Show them you love them, and they will forgive you,” Aidan said with a gentle smile.

  “Thank you, Uncle.” Gabriel squeezed Clarissa’s hand and then rose alone, striding through the dining room and exiting the kitchen door. He paused for a moment to enjoy the faint breeze as he searched for Colin. Gabe rounded the side of the stable, nearly tripping over Colin.

  “Col?” Gabriel sat next to him in the stable’s shadow, the quiet nickering of the horses soothing.

  Colin sat with his knees bent and his head down.

  A soft snuffling noise sounded, and Gabriel belatedly realized Colin was crying.

  “I’m sorry, Gabe,” he whispered.

  “Why?”

  “For not staying and listening to what else you had to say.” Colin swiped at his cheeks and punched at the stable wall with his other hand as he stood, nervous energy not allowing him to sit for long. “I’m so damned angry.”

  “As long as you know your anger is best directed at me and not Rissa.”

  Colin spun to face Gabriel, his blue eyes widened in shock. “Of course it’s not. It’s directed at fate, at God, at whatever caused us to lose Rory. But never at you. I know you would never have harmed him.” He squinted as he saw Gabriel shake his head in disbelief. “I’ve watched you wishing yourself dead these past months. I’ve seen you turn away from the support of those who care about you. I despaired at ever having back the man I considered brother, who was lost in a vortex of despair and self-hatred. I’ve witnessed Clarissa’s transformation into a bitter woman I barely recognize.” He met Gabriel’s wounded gaze. “You have no need of my anger. You’ve done a good enough job on your own.”

  “Then why are you so upset now?”

  “At the senselessness of it all!” Colin kicked at the stable wall. “I shouldn’t have favorites. It’s not right.”

  Gabriel stood at Colin’s whispered admission and canted forward to better hear him.

  Colin swiped at his nose as he faced Gabriel. “Although I tried to hide it, Rory was my favorite. I always dreamt that, when I had a little boy, he’d be like Rory. Eager to spend time with me. Loving, considerate, filled with enough mis
chief as is healthy in a young boy but never with any spite. I hate that he’s gone.” Colin turned away as his shoulders shook, his arms braced against the stable walls.

  “Col, I’m sorry.”

  “If it’s for Rory’s death, save your breath. But, if it’s for not being there for Clarissa—for any of us when we needed to mourn, to remember and to rejoice in what a miracle Rory was—then, yes, you should be begging our forgiveness.”

  Gabriel paled, holding a hand to his chest as though in physical pain.

  “I may never know what it is to love a child of my own, and I pray every day that I never lose a child after seeing how you and Clarissa have suffered. But I hope, with every breath, that I never hurt those around me as you have in your agony at his loss.”

  “So you are angry at me,” Gabriel said with a grim satisfaction.

  Colin glared at him, firming his jaw. “For how you’ve acted, yes. For how you’ve thought you were the only one entitled to grieve. For forgetting you have three other children desperate for any sign of caring from you.”

  Gabriel nodded, taking a step back, his gaze haunted and distant. “I couldn’t bear to be near them. To love them any more than I do. For what if something happened to them too?”

  “Whether you loved them more or not, anything could happen to them, Gabe. And then you’d have to live with the fact that you’d ignored them for the better part of a year.” Colin’s stance became less belligerent, and he reached out to grip one of Gabriel’s arms. “And I don’t believe you could love them any less than you do.”

  “Of course not! They mean everything to me.” He closed his eyes in defeat. “I couldn’t live through losing any of them.”

  “You’re stronger than you think, Gabe.” Colin squeezed his brother-in-law’s arm before letting go. “Just as I advised Clarissa not to swaddle them in a protective cocoon, stifling their childhood, I’d recommend you enrich their years with your presence. For that is all they desire.”

  Gabriel gripped Colin in a tight embrace, slapping his back a few times before releasing him. They turned to rejoin the others in the house, Gabriel fighting his panic at the upcoming reunion with his children.

  “Gabriel, what are you doing?” Clarissa asked as she came to an abrupt halt upon entering their son’s room, the room previously shared by Rory and Billy. Bright light entered the dormer window, casting sunlight on Billy’s bed.

  Gabriel sat on Rory’s empty bed, against the far wall, his elbows on his knees, his eyes fixed with a distant gaze. They had just returned from his uncle’s house, and he awaited the arrival of the children from the park. “Forgive me, Rissa,” Gabriel said as he moved to rise.

  “No, sit,” she said as she pushed on his shoulder and settled next to him. “What are you doing in here? You’ve barely entered this room since Rory’s death. Billy has to beg you to tell him a story before you’ll creep inside.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought the room would still be filled with him.” He glanced around. “But it isn’t.”

  “I cleaned away his things months ago.”

  “Did you keep anything?” Gabriel couldn’t hide the hopeful pleading in his voice.

  “Yes.” She rose, moving to a small trunk in a corner of the room. She lifted the lid, creaking from disuse. “I have his christening blanket, his favorite book. A few toys.”

  She moved aside as Gabriel knelt beside her. He lifted out the christening blanket and pulled it to his face, sniffing deeply. He lowered it, his shoulders stooping with disappointment.

  “I had it laundered. I—I’m sorry, Gabriel,” Clarissa whispered.

  He shook his head, shoulders bowed as he looked at the few remaining items that had belonged to their son. “Forgive me.” He raised wet eyes to meet her worried gaze. “For not being here with you when you had to clear away his things. For my reluctance to enter this room. For my disappointment that you laundered his christening blanket and I can’t smell him.” He choked. “I miss him so much, Rissa.”

  “I know, darling. So do I.” She leaned toward Gabe, awkwardly moving so that she was nestled against him, tucking her neck under his chin.

  “I know they say the pain will become bearable. I fear they lie.” He pulled away, flushing at his admission. He glanced into the trunk, a wistful half smile flitting across his face as he reached in and pulled out a small train. “I remember whittling this for him. He always had it with him.”

  “It was his favorite.”

  Gabriel ducked his head as he cupped Clarissa’s cheek with a shaking hand. “Thank you for saving this for me. Thank you for having faith, no matter how faint, that we would survive this. Together.”

  Clarissa leaned forward, her forehead resting against his for a brief moment. “I’ve missed us, Gabriel.”

  “So have I,” he whispered. He kissed her gently on her forehead before leaning away as their son Billy raced into the room.

  He came to a halt as he saw his parents on the floor in front of Rory’s trunk, his light-blue eyes going round.

  “Billy.” Gabriel stood and walked toward him, picking him up. He frowned as Billy remained stiff in his arms. “What were you doing?” Gabriel turned toward the door, the approaching footsteps of his daughters thundering down the hallway.

  “We’ll catch you, Billy!” Geraldine shrieked.

  Billy’s eyes widened in fear, and he squirmed to be released from Gabriel’s hold.

  “It’s all right, son. Playing catch and hide-and-seek are fun games.” He cleared his throat on the word catch. Holding Billy firmly with one arm, Gabriel raised his other hand to stroke Billy’s head. “You’ve grown so much.”

  “I’m three!” Billy said, relaxing in his father’s hold and resting his head on Gabriel’s shoulder.

  “Almost,” Gabriel said, kissing the top of his head. He smiled at his daughters as they barreled into the bedroom. “I caught him first.”

  “Papa,” Myrtle gasped.

  “What are you doing in here?” Geraldine asked.

  “Hoping to catch one of you,” Gabriel said with a teasing smile as he set Billy down and lurched toward them with outstretched arms and a laugh.

  Myrtle shrieked and jumped away, running down the hall. Geraldine stood rooted to the spot, her eyes luminescent with unshed tears before she beamed at her father and spun from his grasp a second before he reached her. Their delighted shrieks echoed down the hallway.

  “I’ll find you!” Gabriel called as he ran at half speed after his daughters. He stopped as he reached the hallway and turned to Billy. “Help me find them, Billy boy.”

  Billy grinned and ran toward him, nearly tripping in his excitement. Gabriel clasped his hand, and they raced down the hallway together. A few moments later, shrieks and laughter could be heard as the girls were found.

  Later that evening, Gabriel helped put the children to bed. He spoke in hushed tones to each of his children as he kissed them good-night and stroked the hair off their foreheads. Clarissa stood to one side, watching as a bedtime routine was reestablished.

  Gabriel entered the bedroom he shared with Clarissa, shutting the door behind him. A large bed with a carved headboard stood against one wall, with a row of windows opposite the door. He moved toward their shared armoire, removing his shirt and pulling down his suspenders. Clarissa sat on the edge of the bed, already in a nightgown. She appeared deep in thought.

  “I fear it’ll be another unbearably hot evening,” Gabriel said. He watched Clarissa nod absently. “Makes me wish we could sleep on the back lawn.”

  She nodded again.

  “Naked.” At her third nod, he chuffed out a laugh before moving toward her and kneeling by her side. “Darling, what’s the matter?” He stroked her head. “For I know you’d never willingly sleep outside naked, no matter how hot you were.”

  Clarissa blushed as her distant gaze focused on him. “When did I say I’d do that?”

  “Just now. But I think you were lost in thought.” He watched her closely
. “Have I done something to upset you?”

  She gripped his hand, kissing his knuckles before holding it to her heart. “No.” She cleared her throat. “No. I never thought to feel such contentment and joy again as I’ve felt today, watching you with our children.”

  “Neither did I.” Gabriel lowered his head for a moment before meeting her gaze again. “I asked each of them to forgive me for not being the father they needed since Rory died. And they did.”

  “Of course they did.” Clarissa freed his hand to stroke his face. “They love you. Just as I do.”

  Gabriel gripped Clarissa’s head with both of his hands, moving forward to kiss her with a desperate passion. He attempted to show her only tenderness, but the desperation and longing of the past months burst forth. He grasped her tightly to him, his hands nearly rending her modest linen nightgown as he kissed her as though he would never be able to stop. Her moan of desire spurred him into action as he coaxed her nightgown from her shoulders, pushing it to her hips. She lifted, and he tugged, her gown dropping to the floor.

  “Oh, God, how I’ve missed you.” Gabriel peppered her face and neck with kisses while simultaneously divesting himself of his undershirt and pants. His and Clarissa’s hands clashed a few times over buttons, but soon he was free of clothing too. Clarissa’s hands roamed his chest, arms and back eagerly, as though remapping the planes of his body after their estrangement.

  Clarissa scooted back on the bed, and he leaned over her, his mouth moving from her shoulders to her breasts to her belly. Clarissa arched into him, and her passionate acceptance of his desire fueled his own. He reached up, caressing her face, running a finger over her kiss-swollen lips. “I love you, Clarissa. In all my life, I’ve only ever loved you.”

  “I’ve waited months for you to return to me, my love,” Clarissa said, a tear leaking out. “Don’t make me wait any longer.”

  Gabriel groaned, losing himself in the joy of their reunion.

  Clarissa snuggled in Gabriel’s arms, unable to hold in a deep sigh of contentment. She kissed his collarbone, earning a grunt of pleasure from Gabriel.